When you have a child, almost from the minute they are born people ask if you are going to have anymore. It’s a question that just seems on everyone’s lips and although it’s entirely innocent it’s a difficult one for me. When I envisioned my family I always thought of having three children, if not more. Life changes though and with it the visions we have imagined change with it.
My health really deteriorated when I first gave birth and from that moment it has been an ever decreasing journey. Although I am in a phase of remission I know that having another child will ultimately tip that scale further. I keep saying we are going to have another child. I insinuate it will be in the near future but I think ultimately I know this is not true.
There are further medications I can take to help my condition but if I plan to have more children soon then they are not an option. I keep putting them off. I think realistically I know I won’t have more children but I am not ready to make that official. I am not ready to say that out loud. I’m 28 years old and I am of prime childbearing age I don’t feel ready to give that up. I am kidding myself, I know this. It devastates me that I may never carry another child. I won’t experience that newborn scent or that overwhelming wave of love that comes from nowhere.
Being Grateful For What I Have
I am blessed though. I have a happy, healthy thriving little boy that is the complete world to me. Not everyone has that. I know I am lucky and I am grateful every day for what I have. I am just not ready to let go of my dream.
UPDATE: Since writing this post in 2016 I went through a number of different challenges related to my health. My outlook on life changed somewhat and life improved on a huge scale. I managed to beat and overcome prescription painkiller addiction and we conceived our second child – Hugo who was born in June 2018. If you are suffering from a chronic illness know that what you are experiencing today won’t necessarily be what you feel forever. I lived in hope and I got my happy ending. I hope it’s the same for you.
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Love as always!
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