I Am Struggling With Motherhood

A year in my thirties

I am really struggling with motherhood at the moment. It feels incredibly raw to say it, but I am. I know that I live a very privileged life where I get to work from home, but I am still struggling.

Hugo has just turned one, and if I’m honest, I am feeling a bit lost. I’ve spent the last year as an extension of him losing my own identity along the way. I used to wear makeup most days and wear actual clothes that weren’t leggings and care about my appearance, but I’ve lost that because I am struggling with motherhood.

The first six months that Hugo was earthside were probably my hardest days to date. He struggled with silent reflux, colic and CMPA. I was breastfeeding, and he wanted to either feed or be continuously held. I barely put him down – even at night. I struggled to get anything done, and the housework, life admin and blog fell on top of me like a huge burden. I couldn’t even find time to shower, and I was struggling with motherhood, and I didn’t want to admit it.

As Hugo grew older things became more relaxed, he grew out of the CMPA, and the reflux and colic eased. I thought this would be the point where I would gain some life back, but I was still struggling with motherhood. Hugo doesn’t sleep, and he barely takes a nap during the day. I find myself spending most of my time trying to get him to sleep or trying to settle him back to sleep when he wakes up. I barely leave the house for anything that isn’t a school run or a house errand, and I really have no life beyond Hugo. My husband helps, but he works long days, and I feel like it’s my job as a mother to cope better. I see all the other mums handling it. Getting dressed, keeping house, and although they look tired, they aren’t struggling with motherhood in the same way I am.

I miss the old me, the person who had time for self-care. I feel like I don’t get any time without a baby in my arms and I know that is selfish, and I would never change it because I adore being a mother, but some days are hard.

I started this year, wanting to achieve my weight goals. I know it’s not about weight loss, but I don’t have any body confidence. I’m not happy with how I look or who I am. I feel like a failure my days are spent continually juggling everything and never really achieving much. Then when I get a moment to pause I see that a whole month has gone by and I can’t tell you what I have done or what has been achieved, and I should be able to do this because mothers out there are managing it, but I am struggling. I am struggling with motherhood, and I feel like nothing more than a failure.

I am struggling with motherhood, but that’s ok because this is just a fleeting moment it’s only right now, only today and tomorrow will be different.  This does get better, it isn’t every moment of every day, but when we struggle, it’s ok to say it out loud. It’s ok to admit that you are struggling because motherhood is a unique journey, but it’s worth the hard days, so hang in there Mama.


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Love as always!

 

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I am really struggling with motherhood at the moment. It feels incredibly raw to say it, but I am. I know that I live a very privileged life where I get to work from home, but I am still struggling.

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6 Comments

  1. 12th June 2019 / 10:37 am

    You haven’t achieved nothing – you are raising 2 children. Without people to raise the next generation we are nothing. There is so much out there about how you should be all things to everyone, but behind closed doors a million mums screaming because it isn’t possible 24 hours a day every day. You have done an amazing job keeping the blog going all year, and you have 2 happy kids. Winner. Stop beating yourself up, you’ve done great, you are your own worst critic xx

    • sophiegw
      Author
      13th June 2019 / 8:42 pm

      Thanks so much Jen!!

  2. 13th June 2019 / 8:09 pm

    I can identify with this so much Sophie. It’s so hard. The boys are at an age where they are into EVERYTHING and I find after sorting their needs out with school run, meals, playtime, housework etc etc there’s not much time left for me and to be honest I don’t have much inclination to do anything as I’m just knackered. I promise you, you’re not alone and although it seems like everyone else is breezing motherhood, they’re not. You’re doing great xxx

    • sophiegw
      Author
      13th June 2019 / 8:20 pm

      Ah this is so good to hear well, of course, it’s not but you know what I mean. Motherhood can be incredibly lonely when you think everyone else has got their act together and you haven’t thank you for your reassurance I needed that!

  3. Dawn McGrath Conolly
    14th June 2019 / 5:01 am

    Hi Sophie my sons are now adults but I remember feeling just like you when they were 3 and 1. I did end up getting a part time job and I would work when my husband got in from work. I worked with other young mothers for 3 hours a day and I felt sane again. Please try to find something that you can do on your own for a few hours at least once a week. Take care xx

    • sophiegw
      Author
      23rd June 2019 / 5:44 pm

      Thank you so much for your message it’s reassuring that other people have felt the same. I have actually just joined a gym and I plan on going there in the evenings to work out, swim or just spend time in the spa area but it’s some time completely for me and I think I need that. xx

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